happy new year, I guess. honestly, the past few weeks have been really rough. it’s been really hard to get into the holiday cheer. I know I’ve been a grinch (shout out to friends and family that have put up with me).
the new year is suppose to bring in clarity and the hope of a fresh start …. people make resolutions as they reflect on the past year. I was scrolling through instragram and Stephanie’s post captures it perfectly:
“I’m torn between being hopeful and horrified of what 2017 will bring. And I know I’m not alone… My 2017 word is “healing,” and healing only comes with time, intentionality, forgiveness, and love. … So, I’m making my mind up to heal.”
I’m gonna pour one out for this one because this captured everything I’ve been feeling lately. It’s honestly hard to be hopeful for the future after the political shit storm that culminated on nov 9.
to be honest- I’m not even hopeful for the future. This past year started off on a promising note and then just fell to shit. personally, it’s been hard to cope with the loss of something that I had invested so much time and hopes in. I placed so much of my happiness on this person and what I thought a future with him looked like. I invested so much emotionally into that relationship and seeing it crumble has just utterly broken me.
perhaps I projected too many of my hopes and fantasies on this relationship… thinking it was something special- only to be pushed away so easily despite having shown him so much love, understanding, loyalty, patience… thats the thing about relationships- do we ever take them at face value? Or are we just naturally inclined to project our hopes for the future on them? but, when it doesn’t work out its not just the relationship that is done, its your entire future that you had envisioned with this person that comes crashing down too.
for this year, I resolved to stop linking my happiness to others. as fucked up as that sounds- it’s just too heavy of a burden. this shitshow of a year brought me so much happiness but then it snatched it all away in an instant and shattered my little corazón into a million fucking pieces.…
i don’t even know how to describe the numbness that I feel.
I use to think that some things were ‘meant to be,’ or that there was some special purpose for the events that took place in my life. I no longer hold this optimism- sadly and truly.
So, for the next year I am going to try to remind myself of my goals, and the life I envision for myself … Queshia’s voice rings in my head,
“Im very weird in the way that my goals don’t involve other people,”